The Kinky Adventures of Sasuke, Shrek and Yato
by actualshrek
Summary: Shrek is the popular boy in school that all the girls love. One day BFF's Yato and Sasuke follow him home and discover that the hokage monument looks a lot like Shrek. Now they question their crush's true identity and discover the many secrets behind that 'perfect' persona of his. Tear jerking comedy with hardcore romance (if you know what i mean ;)
1. Chapter 1

"s-shrek-sama.." yato moaned

"god damn it shrek when is my turn?!" sasuke u fukin twat yato is having his diddly darn moment!

sasuke needs more patience, shrek thought

bEEEEP BEEEEEP omg wtf yato wakes up in his bed and sees angry (th:(is angry) sasuke starin at him "WHAT KIND OF GOD ARE U WE GOTTA GET TO SCHOOL"

yato is sad because its a dream but its okay he'll because mhm that ogre will be his "ok"

"kyaaaa~!" yato squealed as shrek walked through the halls "shrek sama~!"

"zoo wee mama i want some of that" sasuke moaned

"please notice me shrek-senpai! kyaaah~!" yato called.

"bitch that aint gonna work we gotta follow him home zoo wee mama"sasuke said

as they followed shrek after school yato noticed something on the hokage monument

"one rock looks like s-shrek sama.."

"y r u girls following me um CREEPY ALERT XD" shrek asked. OMG. HE. SPOTTED. THEM. *macklemore voice* whatwhatwhat

"kyaa!~ shrek sama!" yato couldnt hold his pants for even a moment. god damn.

"lemme handle dis." sasuke sighed. "SEKKI NO JUTSU!"

yukine appears in a bikini "shrek samaaaa ;)

"what a sexy sekki" shrek faints and they kidnap him

"w-what happen?" shrek wakes up in a dark room tied up

"sorry shrek senpai but we want answers"

"and ur ogre dick" god damn sasuke!

"wat do u want to know"

"WHY IS YOUR SEXY FACE BUILT HARD ON THE ROCK SHREK SENPAI"

"ya its not fair only i deserve to make you hard :("

*blushin*

shrek sama gets my heart going doki doki.. yato thought

"then WHO IS IT?" SASUKE DEMAND. HE DEMAND SO HARD THAT I USE CAPITALS.

"it is..."

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Chapter 2

**thank u all for all of ur support it makes me SUUUUUPER happy :') xoxooxo 6969**

* * *

"it is my father..."

*yato gasped*

SHrek tilts his head to the side and looks up dramatically "his name was minat**ogre**.. but i didnt know he was a father until a few years ago.."

"even though you both look aLIKE?" sasuke asked. his crush is so god damn stupid. but thats okay. because she still loves hi(s ogre dick)m.

"idk man i guess im just-" **wipes tear. **"..b-blinded by my own beauty"  


"SHREK SAMA~! _KYAAAA_~" yato squeals as he rips off his pants. gOd DaMn iT. or should i say.. YATO damn it. haha. funny joke. sasuke is cool. well deserving of shrek's ogre dick.

"yato calm the fuck down" sasuke sighed. "continue Shrek-senpai."

"ok.." shrek wiped tears and yato cried waves of fEEELings. "my father is ded but he was loved by many girls. even 2day many girls are in love with him because he is fucking hot i mean he's fucking minat**ogre** namikaze who wouldn't want a piece of that?"

"are you saying YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH YOUR FATHER?!" YATO SCREAM. HE IS SCREAMING!

"NO! HECK NO!" shrek scream. shrek's face would turn red but his face his green. so no. that didn't happen.

"okay continuing... i want my fathers will to live on. and it will. because of me i am going to make sure his will lives forever."

"wills can live?" yato ask in sasukes ear. "where does it live? shrek's asshole?"

"shhh yato its not the time to ask these questions." sasuke groaned. "but im pretty sure. his asshole is big enough."

"How would you know that?"

_"wink wonk;))" _

"are you girls listening to me?" shrek questioned. SHREK WANTS PEOPLE TO LISTEN GOD DAMN IT.

"we are listening, yeesh..." sasuke rolled eyes. "so JUST how are you going to make your fathers will 'live' on? the way you worded it was very confusing man."

"how, you ask?" shrek raised his eyebrow. "I am going to become the next h**OGRE**kage. Just like my father."

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


	3. Chapter 3

yato and sasuke stare at shrek in shock. they stare at him with their mouths open wider than sasuke ego

"omg wtf makes him think he gonna become the next hogrekage?" sasuke whisper in yato ear.

"he probably did the diddly darn with his o(gre)ld man" yato nods. yato is fucking smart nerds, yato thinks as he puts on his pimp glasses

"guys u know i can hear u right?" shrek muttered

"UHHHHHHHHH" yato IS PANICKING! HE CANT LET SHREK THINK HE IS A WEIRD 4932835943898 YEAR OLD GOD!

"i got this," sasuke says. he swings his hand over shrek and grins. "ur eyebrow is so strong shrek."

"haha..i know...the girls say that all the time..." shrek smiled.

"i dont know if i can believe you." sasuke narrows his eyes. "if ur eyebrow game is strong can it lift up 50 pounds"

"um"

"do you even lift?"

"GOD DAMN IT FUCK SASUKE STOP TRYNA BEDAZZLE SHREK'S NIPPLES!" YATO IS 420 BLAZING MAD

"oh my yato you KNEW?"

"ugh sasuke i thought we were pimps for life but dis whole time uve been tryna wink ur wonks with my OGRE well lemme tell u im done with ur shit!"

"I HAVENT EVEN TAKEN A SHIT!"

"THEN TAKE ONE!"

"FINE!" sasuke pulls his pants down and takes a shit. "YOU HAPPY?"

yato runs towards the down and glares at shrek and sasuke. "it's not ogre yet." and he slams the door in their faces

"u wanna continue where we left off?" sasuke ask with a bright sparkle in his sharingan.

"i aint nailing you with that shitty ass of yours" shrek says. "besides...u should run after him"

"what? shrek sama i dont understand..."

"leave, sasuke." shrek sighs and brings his face closer into sasuke's ear. he whispers, "this is my swamp."

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Chapter 4

**dedicated to wai happy birthday. I pray that shrek comes into ur room and sings happy birthday by Katy Perry. **

**an: THANK U FOR ALL U REVIEWS. I am so happy. Shrek is my sunshine and the reason why I breathe, poop, eat, and live. He is my everything. He is my e. He is my v. He is my e. He is my r. He is my y. He is my t. He is my h. He is my i. He is my n. He is my g. EVERYTHING! That is Shrek. **

**I will not accept any hate about this story because I simply cannot understand why people wouldn't like him. Green is the color of forgiveness and love and mucus. Those three things have something in common. You know what it is? Shrek. Shrek it up.**

**SOrry for this long authors note (but not as long as shreks ogre dick). Lmfao! Enjoy the shrek story! XD**

* * *

sasuke is angry emoticon but leaves shreks swamp because he loves shrek ogre dick. u gotta admit u gonna do anything for that ogre dick.

"YATOoOoOoOoOoO" sasuke screams as he looks for yato in the rain

god damn it is so wet outside! but not as wet as i am with ogredick-sama

**YATO'S POINT OF VIEW**

ugh stupid sasooke! ugh stupid shrek sama! yato thinking ANGRILY. SO ANGRY I USE CAPITALS

yato punch tree.

"whoa, whoa, whoa." A VOICE SAYS. "dont hurt the trees, young one."

"shut the frick up i am a 41a84398 year old god, dont call me young." yato screaming angry. "who are u anyway?"

"u mean u dont recognize me?" MAN LAUGHS

yato eyes widen. he is beginning to recognize the green skin and the beatiful face. except it looks older. "u..u.. u USED TO BE THE HOKGREGAKKSESOE!"

"ha, ha, yees i am." minatogre smile. Minatogre has green skin and looks just like Shrek, but he also has super long, wavy blonde hair. He was waaaay more beautiful than shrek sama. lmfao. "why are u staring at me like that."

"THIS IS AMAZING!" yato screamed. "Hey, if shrek is sama, does that make you Minatogre-sama-sama"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Minatogre sama sama, I am kinky buddies with ur son, Shrek Sama. But he is being a little shit and we must teach him a lesson."

"What do you propose?"

"lemme at ur ogre dick"

"excuse me"

"lemme at ur ogre dick and then both shrek sama AND sasuke will be JEALOUS!"

"who do u think i am?"

"join my kinky clan. kinky clan here we stand." yato say proudly.

"I just came here to have a good time and honestly I am feeling so attacked right now." Minatogre sama sama sighed. "u need to stop with these hella kinky games, u fricken nerd god."

YATO IS FLAMING MAD!

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little shit? Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Ive been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Im the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little clever comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnt, you didnt, and now youre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youre fucking dead, kiddo.

But Yato did not say that. Instead yato cry so hard he is as wetter then sasuke in bed.

"t-then..what am i supposed to d-d-d-d-d-do?" yato stutters. [music plays] stuter stutter did did did i did i , stutter stuter stutter

minatogre is fading

"i am rock hard." Minatogre sama sama says seriously. "I must return to my rock hard state. But I must give u advice before."

"U cant stay for much longer?" Yato asked. HE CANT LEAVE HIM NOW!

"No. I have limited time. I am sorry."

"Wow, it looks like things are pretty ROCKY for u." Yato say [cue in audience laughter.]

"B4 i leave u must learn dis... fighting is not the answer.. it has always been sasuke and shrek or yato and shrek, but u are missing the big picture."

"Big picture? Do you mean his ogre dick?"

"Don't interupt me! ITs not ogre yet!"

"gomenesai..."

"find the big pic. there is a solution where all three if you can be happy. wink wonk. wink wonk." Minatogre sama sama nodded seriously. He crossed his arms and smiled proudly. He had the cutest ogre dimples. Too bad he's dead. "I believe in u, yato.'

"thank u, Minatogre sama sama!" Yato shouted. Minatogre sama sama disappeared back into the rocky monuments. "I will not disappoint u!"

**TO BE CONTINUED **


	5. Chapter 5

**im sooo sorry for never updating.. ive been busy but seeing my fans give me endless support n luv makes my kokoro do doki doki **

**enjoy the new chapter!**

**dedicated to vicky aka chromfricker xoxox i luv my fans tbh! lol!**

* * *

yato runs back to the village and looks around for sasuke. but for some reason he cannot find sasuke. he is not in the orochimaru hot springs. he is not in his emo band garage. he is not in the shrek worshipping headquarters.

there is only one place where he could be.

Yato enters a dark cave surrounded by black flames. next to the entrance is basket of HELLA BLACK eyeliner

'nice' yato takes one

yato hears a voice. someone is singing.

_"Twelve years ago,_  
_a Nine-Tail Fox suddenly appeared..."_

as he draws closer and closer...

_"If you believe it!_  
_Shrek! Shrek!_  
_Believe it! Believe it!"_

Yato opens the door with the number 666, and finds sasuke passionately singing the German Shrek Opening on a karaoke machine. he is wearing all black and there is eyeliner dripping down his cheeks.

'oh hell no' yato sigHS. miley cyrus did NOT hop of the plane at LAX for this.

'i-i-i-its all ogre now,' sasuke sobs. 'shrek sama rejected me. all i have left is the emo within me.'

'IM STILL HERE SASUKEMO!' yato hugs sasuke. he smells like death. 'AND SHREK-SAMA HASN'T LEFT US, YET.'

'w-what do u mean?' sasuke sniffles

'long story short (like ur dick.. but yato didnt say that) there is a way for all of us to be happy." yato wiggles his eyebrows. _**shwing**_

"so.. it's come to that huh..' sasuke wipes his emo tears. he looks up at the ceiling and clenches his fists. what the hell is he looking at? 'we're gonna shrek it up.'

* * *

yato and sasuke hurry back to shreks house...

but they stop in their tracks when a very kinky sugar mama comes out of their house.

sasuke runs toward the lady. 'WHO ARE YOU?! AND WHAT IN TARNATION DO U THINK UR DOING IN SHREK SAMAS HOUSE?"

the lady smiles. 'my name is princess fionash grier. nice to meet u."

'A-A PRINCESS!?" they both gasp.

_**TO BE CONTINUED**_

* * *

**will sasuke and yato EVER have kinky adventures with shrek? or will this 'princess fionash grier' stop them for good? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!**


	6. TKA of Sasuke, Shrek, Yato & Santa-san

_helo today instead of chapter 6 i am here to GIFT you a christmas special ho ho ho_

_PL0X ENJOY! AND HAVE A MERY CHRISMAS! I HOEP SANTA-SAN GIVES U LOTS OF NAKED ANIME DAKIMURAS!_

* * *

it is december 24th and it is christmas eve. everyone is preparing for holidays and dreading to watch ungrateful shits open their gifts and yell that their nash grier sweatshirt is in the WRONG COLOR

2day there are few ppl last minute christmas shopping and thOSE people ARE...

"do u wanna build a snowmeme!"

"shut the fuck up yato that's NOT how the song goes." sasuke hisses. i, sasuke uchiha, have watched frozen 20 times. i am currently wearing my olaf tank top and listening to the frozen soundtrack on my phone. take THAT, you so called 10 year old frozen fans.

'i really really want to take a photo with santa-chan! :3c" yato whined

"oh my kamisama, you are 5050439049 years old. U ARE TOO OLD FOR DAMN SANTA-SAN PHOTOS!" sasuke turns his volume higher. reindeers are better than ppl... and gods..

"you can't call me too old for this shit whiLE YOU LISTEN TO THE GOD DAMN FROZEN SOUNDTRACK FOR THE TRILLIONTH TIME!" yato pouts. sasuke hates it when yato pouts cuz he can NEVER say no it is SO weird. "pl0x sasuke."

'we are HERE to buy kinky gifts for shrek-sama, not take santa photos, geez." sasuke says.

"i was gonna buy you the olaf plush..."

sasuke gasps. "u..u are joking.."

"i was gonna get you the one that SPEAKS."

SASUKE IS GASPING LOUDER "t-THE ONE WITH THE HAT?!"

"Yeah, but not anymore." yato rolls his eyes. LOL HE IS PWNING THIS ARGUEMENT.

sasuke caves in. "FINE! FINE! WE'LL TAKE SANTA PHOTOS RIGHT NOW!"

they w alk to santa photos and booty their way to the front of the line. the kids move to the side the moment they see sasuke's olaf shirt. sasuke grins in approval.

"i told u this shirt would come in handy. who's olaFFING now." sasuke says

they walk up to santa and yato climbs on his leg and onto his lap. sasuke rolls his eyes and walks off to the side. santa STARES at sasuke. "ho ho ho SON, sit on down there is plenty room on my thunder thighs."

sasuke hesitantly sits down on santa's other leg. santa smells... familiar.

sasuke turns to look at yato, and yato has a funny face too. this smell... santa-san.. he smells like...

"hello, sasuke-kun, welcome to my swamp."

_"S..SHREK SAMA!?" _SASUKE AND YATO SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME! THE KIDS ARE SHOCKED AND SANTA-SAMA IS BLUSHU BLUSHU.

"shhHHHHhhh!" shrek hushes "ur going to ruin the kids dreams. for now, plZ call me santa."

"i-i-i-i-,,, uhhuHUHuh..o-okay...sh-I MEAN- santa-sama..." yato stutters oh how i wish i wasnt a god so i could PRAY TO MYSELF TO SAVE ME!

even sasuke is blushu blushu. he looks so hot in that beard.. beard papa's..beard daddy...

"So, uh, are you kiddos gonna tell me what you want for christmas or do you just want to skip to the picture?" shrek asks in a LOW, santa-san-like voice.

"I-II-I-I-I I WANT YOU-" yato starts. SASUKE SLAPS HIS HAND OVER YATO'S MOUTH. we must keep this rated G! FOR THE CHILDREN!" sasuke whispers in yatos ear.

"okay, so santa-sama," Sasuke starts. "I want an olaf sweater, a frozen snapback, an olaf plushie; THE REGULAR AND THE ONE THAT SINGS, i want ALL the frozen dolls, ESPECIALLY HANS. i dont care what anyone says, his sideburns turn me on, and i also want-"

"i thought we were keeping this G RATED." yato glares.

"YOU'RE keeping this g rated, however, I GET TO HAVE SOME FUN." sasuke snaps. "i also want an elsa mug and I want a matching anna mug so a_ special someone_ to match with me. wink, wink."

"awww sasuke!" yato squeals.

"NOT YOU DAMN IT." sasuke yells. stupid ass yato ruining my FLIRTING MOMENT WITH SHREK-SAMA!

"continuing from where i left off-"

"i'm sorry sir, but we have a long line up and we need you to leave." the security guard interrupts and points to the 3943038493 kids in line.

"BUT I DIDN'T FINISH!" SASUKE COMPLAINS.

"AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO TELL SANTA-SAMA WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS." YATO JOINS IN.

"As I recall from the thirty fricken minutes you've been here," he looks at yato. "you want santa, which is kind of dirty and kinky, excuse me while i puke." he turns to sasuke. "and you want a shit ton of frozen merch. First of all you need to CHILL, no pun intended, and step aside and leave the frozen to the god damn kids. I DO NOT WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN WITH YOU."

So sasuke and yato are kicked out and ten minutes later, they are sitting outside an icecream shop, eating mint ice cream and feeling emo.

"you wanna go buy some emo eyeliner?" sasukemo asks.

"i'm too emo to go buy emo eyeliner..." yato sighs.

sasuke SLAM his hands on teh table. "wTF ARE WE DOING BRO! its christmas eve! we should be ho ho ho-ing not oh..oh..oh-ING!"

"what do u suggest we do then?"

* * *

it is 11 pm and shrek is going home. he is late to his christmas party and he still has to change before leaving the house. he drives home and a loud GASP escapes his ogre lips.

all over his house are photos of boku no pico and hatsune miku memes. his house is RUINED! he runs around checking to see if there is a part left spotless. INSTEAD He finds a card under his welcome mat.

_**Dear "Shrek-sama",**_

**_A couple of my dear friends, who I will name Emo and Kamisama, called me through my public call number and told me that YOU are impersonating me and being a piece of shit._**

**_As Santa Claus, you are SUPPOSED to give the children what they want. I'm sure that KAMISAMA asked santa for YOU, more specifically you're ogre dick, if you're too stupid to realize their kinky hints._**

**_You're an embarrassment to Santa Claus' everywhere, and hopefully THIS teaches you a lesson._**

**_I was more than HAPPY to give Emo all the Frozen merchandise he wanted. As for KAMISAMA, if you want to redeem yourself and be a GOOD, KINKY, SANTA LIKE HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE, then I better see you pull your kinky shit together and run to Yato's house right now._**

**_Sincerely, Santa Claus-dono._**

**_P.S Reindeers are better than ogres._**

* * *

_thx guys for reading i hope u have a HOH HOB HOHOHO HO merry christmas. stay kinky 3_


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